I Need Help Please

Hey Everyone.

I am entering Jeremy's Kiss in a novel contest.  The contest will be judged in 3 rounds.  The first round is for pitch for the book.  During the round, nothing else will be read or judged.  The second round is for an excerpt from the book.  Once again, nothing else will be read or judged.  If I get through those two rounds without being eliminated, then my book will be read and judged.  The prizes for the contest are really awesome and so I want to do my very best.

The book is written, so the excerpt is also written.  Now I face the task of writing a good pitch for the book (limit of 300 words).  It has to get the potential reader's attention and lead them to want to read the book.  I have written two pitches so far and I would really like some feedback on each one.  Including opinions on which pitch is better.

Here is the first pitch.

Natalie, a college student receives an assignment to solve a cold case, an unresolved murder. The case brings her into contact with a world she never believed existed. Vampires living among humans. Hidden in plain sight. Contact with vampires brings her a new case to solve. The murder of the man she loved.

Lilith, a twelve year old runaway is taken in and taken advantage of by a pimp.  A few months later she is rescued by a mysterious woman with a  French accent.  Provided with a high level of education and physical training she becomes a formidable bodyguard for the woman who rescued her.  She doesn’t forget the past or her desire to kill the pimp who took advantage of her.

Jeremy, a wealthy college student taking classes simply to alleviate boredom finds that he is somehow involved in plots among Omaha’s powerful vampires.

In the dark of the night where magic exists, werewolves and vampires roam, these three are confronted by powerful and dark forces.  What will Natalie need to solve the cold case and find who murdered the man she loved?  Can Lilith get the vengeance her heart desires?  Can Jeremy survive the forces that are playing with his life?

Here is the 2nd Pitch.

What lengths are you willing to go to for truth and vengeance?

In a world where Vampires, mages and werewolves live among humans hidden in plain sight, Lilith works for the second most powerful vampire in Omaha.  How far will she go to get vengeance against the pimp who used her when she was a runaway teen?

The vampire Jeremy lives in Omaha, but doesn’t know he is being swept up in plots among the more powerful vampires.  What can he do to protect himself?

Natalie has just left the Air Force and is in school full time to get a degree in Criminal Justice.  She receives an assignment to work on a cold case file regarding a possible murder.   What risks will she take to find information about the case?

When the case brings Natalie in contact with the hidden world of vampires; the man she loves is murdered.  What lengths will she go to avenge his death?

Thank you for taking time to read both these pitches.  I look forward to your thoughts and feedback on each one.  I have a few more days to make these the best they can possibly be.  I know help from others is the best way I can write a really good pitch.